I thought it was time for me to write another blog entry, it has been a while since my last one. I am not actually looking for a partner because I believe I am defective and need to put a huge amount of work into dealing with what is broken before I have a proper relationship. I may not have the right to say that but no one seems to be disputing it. Please don't get me wrong there are certainly women out that that I am attracted to and without a doubt I would sleep with.
It would appear that I am or have been saying something wrong when I say I don't want to have any more children. I have now had two babies die in my arms and I am not prepared for it to happen a third time. Nothing will replace my daughters and I don't believe another child would ease or magically remove the pain of loosing my daughters. I still have days where I tear myself apart over them, yesterday was a classic example where I started the day nose diving back into a very raw pain and ended up fighting the urges to be very evil to myself.
I have said yes if I did meet the right lady then there maybe a chance that I would have a baby with her. The reality is that I don't believe that will be happening any time soon and it slightly more complicated than that anyway. Likewise I am heading towards being 35 years old which I believe tends to stand in my way.
When I make it clear I don't want anymore children and the reason why, society and more specifically the people around me make it clear that I am saying something wrong. Yet no one is prepared to have an open and honest discussion as to why? Am I missing some unwritten rules here?
I am more than happy to have this discussion with anyone who thinks I am wrong and even those who think I am right but it does need to be a bit more than "aww you will do" If you think I am being selfish then say sodiscus me a reason why. I don't mind how this discussion happens but I feel that it needs to happen.
Firstly, 35? What's that all about? Chaplain fathered babies in his 80s my own dad was 68. Age has nothing to do with it.
ReplyDeleteSecondly women like honesty,depends how you put things! Put it wrongly you shall chase them away but put the correct way they will value it and interact with you.
Thirdly, there are women out there who don't wish to have children or can't have children and you would be ideal.I admit there will be women who will say its ok & then hope you shall change your mind later, but if you keep being honest they will know where they stand.
( with the right 1 you might change your mind, never say never, its how you feel now might not be later)
Grief is an utter b* it convinces you things are getting better then bites your bum, no reasoning, something triggers. The cliche to say is it gets better,it dulls & you will feel better but it never ever goes, you develop strategies. But whoever you have in your life will know and help you through it.
Hi
ReplyDeleteYou are right about the age thing, I think I was using it as an excuse to slap myself down a bit more. I do tend to open and honest about why I don't want to have anymore children whilst avoiding the part about me feeling like I am defective.
I know I would make a great father if I ever had any more children. I just don't want to have to go through what I have been through again. For some reason I am in the wrong for taking this position. It would seem that society expects me to go on and have more children, that is what I can't understand.
It may just be the people I talk to about it and if I looked a bit further then I would find people who agree with me. I maybe taking the wrong approach to this and when my brain switches back into gear I will work out what I am talking about.
Thanks for your reply