It is going to be one of those weeks

Sat at work today I finally realised just how hard I am finding the run up to March 8th this year. It hurts like hell to the point that I don't know what to do.  I know that this year I don't want to be in Norwich, read that as I can't face being in Norwich. Nope scratch that I am likely to be dangerous to myself, the rather large bruise on my arm is a telling sign of what is going on.

I have decided to go to London as it can provide the constant distractions that I need. Yes I am going to be on my own, alone in a city full of people.  It isn't the first time and most certainly won't be the last time knowing the way my life is going.  No this isn't a woe is me post, never have done and never will do.  One has standards to maintain and all that. Plus I am not sure if I could cope with the way that I would punish myself at the moment.  

I am tearing myself apart, alone, feeling lost and struggling. Blah blah blah etc.  I need to get myself through this week and I am really not sure how I am going to do it without laying into myself or loosing my temper in the most evil way possible with those people who seem to be going out of their way to wind me up. Believe me today I have had to use a huge amount of self control with certain people today.

As per normal I will get myself through, I just need to let people know what is going on.

Michael xx

Charity

I have said this before and I will keep on saying this until my voice is hoarse.  We are brilliant when it comes to charity.  No seriously you are amazing, generous people.  A major disaster, emergency appeal or an annual fund raising appeal like Children In Need and you all come running.  There is a community spirit and we don't need politicians to make it happen.  I will say it again you are all amazing! Even my employer (who will remain nameless) gets in on the action.  They make me seriously proud of them at times with the things they do.  Feeling proud of yourself yet? You should be!

So with all of the sheer awesomeness that is going on my question to everyone is why are we being let down by those who govern us?  I firmly believe that our government is letting the side down.  I know that they give billions of our taxes away in aid and I will come back to that in a moment.  I am talking about making easier to support charities.  

Companies can write off charitable donations against tax.  Individuals who make major donations to charity can do a similar thing. What about people like you and I?  Why not do a similar thing for us?  I know that we can gift aid our donations but what I am talking about is more than this.  How about any donations over £100 to a maximum of £1000 can be claimed against the personal allowance in the next tax period.  So if a person donates £500 to a charity then their personal allowance increases by a similar amount next year.  Combine this with gift aid everyone is on to a winner.

I distinctly remember reading in the news about the government looking at the possibility of people being able to donate via cashpoints. What happened to that?  You can top up mobile phones via cashpoints so why not donate money?  The government seems to be hyper keen on the cuts but still hasn't made it any easier for people to donate. Lets be honest as a result of some very savage cuts, charities need our help and support more than ever. 

Finally and possibly the most controversial point.  I believe the government needs to look very hard (in which I mean a huge amount more than they claim they are doing)  at aid and where it is going.  We can't afford to be as generous as we used to be with our money.  There are nations and people that desperately  need our assistance and this should be given without delay but within our means.  I do however question giving massive amount of aid to nuclear armed countries.  Something isn't quite right when a country can afford to maintain and operate a nuclear arsenal but can't afford to feed or educate its population. I am told that aid is given with stipulations but that isn't the point when you have people in your own country in dire need and charities are loosing funding left, right and centre.

I am calling on the government to refocus its priorities with regards to aid, to take more urgent steps to redress the imbalance with funding for charities and to make it easier for everyone to support charities.

Compassion

Some of you may have noticed the other day that I posted that I was missing Michaela. I am not normally that open about whom I am missing or want to be with, normally I will post I miss my family. This time because of what was happening I felt the need to be specific as to whom I was missing. 

I had spent the last couple of weeks surrounded by a sorrow that I couldn’t remove or lift. Believe me when I say this I tried everything in my arsenal including I am afraid to say pain which resulted in the usual amount of bruising when my frustration boiled over.  Yes I am surrounded by a sorrow and I give myself a thoroughly good kicking yet again. 

For some reason my brain had decided to go over some of the more vicious events that I have been through in my life. I can only assume it was to try and repair some of the damage caused by these events. Not really very helpful at the start of the year but hey that is me for you. I am told the reason I was missing her more and more is that I needed comfort, more that what I was allowing myself or perhaps a different type of comfort who knows. Either way I wasn’t giving myself the comfort and compassion that I apparently needed.

I had a lengthy discussion about this today where I admitted that in times like this I am quite hard on myself. I admitted that the reason I am like this with myself is so I can keep on moving.  I fear what would happen if I stopped, I also fear what would happen if I started self pitying. Knowing myself If I thought I had started self pitying them I would be brutal with myself, vicious would be an understatement. As well as the usual 101 methods of inflicting pain and suffering on myself it wouldn’t be the first time that I have used public humiliation as a tool. 

I allow myself a certain amount of comfort but I am told I need to learn self compassion. Compassion for others I can do and have done on a regular basis, some of the things I have done are well known. Compassion for myself is who different ball game. I honestly haven’t got a clue on this one I am afraid.  How much comfort and compassion should one give ones self?  If we are talking about more than a bowl of rice pudding, breakfast out or a trip to the cinema then I am at a loss.  Also bearing in mind that the vast majority of the damage caused can’t be fixed should I actually be giving myself comfort and compassion?  Isn’t that like using a plaster to plug a gaping wound?

I am sure as per normal I will work out what is needed to sort this out.  Either that or I will minimise and beat it down to the point that I can ignore it and move forward with my life.

Enough already!

My name is Michael and I am a human being, a mere mortal if you wish. Now if you were to believe some people around me then absolutely everything is my fault as I was reminded recently for the billionth time by the same person. I am not talking about just the odd occasional mistake that a person may make in their daily lives. If you are to believe these people I have some sort of magical superpower that means I have complete and utter control over other people which means their numerous failures are down to me.  They are icons of perfection so couldn't possibly do anything wrong.  It even goes as far as situations that I have no control or influence over, they mess up and regardless of what happens to me it is my fault. It is no joke to say that I can go above and beyond, stand in front when most people would cower and you guessed it anything happens and it is my fault.

Being a stubborn person with a tiny amount of self esteem and confidence I used to spend a huge amount of time and effort arguing we these people, putting my side of the argument and showing them that I wasn't in the wrong but quite frankly it got boring.  When I say boring I am talking about mind numbingly boring. It is a predictable broken record routine, although admittedly not as predictable as they are. It does my brain in. I tried smiling sweetly and ignoring them in the hope that they would go away, that didn't work. My latest method is to agree with them. I find this tends to keep them happy and makes them shut up quicker. They think that they have proven a point, in their tiny minds they continue to think that they are superior to me. It keeps them happy and gives me a bit of peace and quiet so I can concentrate on the important things in life.

I am able to accept the consequences of my actions, I am able to stand up and take responsibility for my actions especially when I mess up, I know how and when I should apologise to people, I don't feel the need to blame others when something goes wrong and I certainly don't think I am superior to others. If I can do all of these normal things then my question to you people is why the f**k can't you? Seriously if you are supposed to be professional then try acting like it.

question

Just thought I would post this to see if anyone has the same experience. I am talking about flashbacks and sudden intense memories.

• I seem to become calmer when outside after a flashback. It doesn't comfort me it just seems to help.
• I get very angry after a flashback. Similar to when I self injure which feels like pure rage.
• I get the urges to walk/run miles to the point that my feet bleed.

Just want peoples thought etc..

suicide

I have been trying to decide if I should write a blog about the tragic death of Gary Speed. Most people will know by now that Gary committed suicide by hanging himself. It is a tragedy and my thoughts go out to his family and friends.  I firmly believe that suicide leaves more than one victim in which I mean that the loss of the family and friends. Without a doubt I will also include the person who finds the person who has committed suicide.

Now I can never put myself in the position of someone who has lost someone through suicide. I can however talk about it from the point of someone who has tried to end my life and I can also talk about this from the point of a person who has found someone after they have ended their life. Before I continue I need to tell you that the person I found I successfully resuscitated. They died later on from injuries sustained in an attack prior to their suicide attempt. I am going to put the next sentence in a separate paragraph.

I hope one day to be able to come to terms with the sheer horror of what I walked into that night. 

I haven’t spoken before openly about that night purely because of the images and horror that I keep inside of me. I haven’t talked about that night in detail with the family because I know that she would want everyone to remember her at her best and not at her worst which was that night. A hanging is more than an act of desperation it is anger, there is a huge amount of anger when this happens. I would ask everyone to do the same with Gary. Support his family and give them what they need. If that is privacy then give them that. They will have questions that need answering and in time they hopefully will get the answers that they need.  Gary has peace now.

The feelings I have, the loss I feel is nothing compare to what her family and close friends. I wouldn’t even try to say they are.  For the first time the other night I actually managed to cry over that night. Suicide is a huge tragedy, a massive loss but it is also a very selfish act. I believe the only way to fully understand it is if you have been in that position. I am sure there will be numerous people who will disagree with me on this point but I am saying it from the position of someone who has been there as well as the person who has found some after they have ended their life.

I also want to say something about the huge amount of tweets saying if you are feeling suicidal or depressed then call the Samaritans or other support organisation. It isn’t as easy as that I am afraid. Sometimes what a person really needs is to be noticed. 

Pet Hates

I have decided to do a slightly different post tonight. I would like to tell you about some of my pet hates.

1. Parents who can't remember their children's birthday. Lets be honest if you bring a child into the world the least you can do is remember when it was born.
2. People who lie. Seriously I know people who spend half their life spewing lies. Honesty works, certain people should try it occasionally. You might even gain my respect and eventually trust.
3. People who constantly moan and complain yet refuse to do anything about it. 
4. People who make assumptions about others. In my case you will probably be wrong so try finding out. I really hate judgmental people.
5. People who can't take responsibility for their own actions. Even more so those people who refuse to do anything when they are clearly in the wrong.  Part of being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions and doing something about it when you do mess up.

On a slightly less personal note

1. Charities that think it is acceptable to stop you in the street to try and get a monthly donation out of you. It is annoying and at times intimidating. I refuse to support any charity that does that to me.  
2. Politicians,  need I say more?
3. Staff in shops that pounce on you the moment you set foot in the door.
4. Websites that are not user friendly, especially those where I have to go searching for a price or how to order.
5. I am vegetarian not a freak. If you don't want to sell food/drink that isn't suitable for us then have the decency to clearly mark your food. I don't like guessing and I certainly do not like wasting money on food.